Those who know me think I’m bubbly, loud, full of life, and just free spirited. Those same people may not know that I am actually shy, nervous, self-conscious, doubtful, worrisome, and very negative towards myself.
Being self-conscious in a negative way is the worst attribute one can have. I have fat-shamed myself. I have this sense that I can’t live and breathe and be myself because I know I’m not skinny, I’m not that pretty, and it’s just easier to not care. I never wear shorts nor do I wear tank tops out in public. I always have to cover myself because I don’t like to hear negative words towards myself because I say it to myself all the time. People judge and I care too much about what others say.
People affect me. I let others affect me with their words. I also sometimes don’t like to be too outside the box or wear something that I was inspired to because I felt that people would think that doesn’t look good on you. In my head, a lot of negative remarks are spoken to myself. These past years, I haven’t tried looking nice or wearing nice things because honestly, I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.
This past weekend, however, I accompanied my boyfriend to an Indian wedding. I just didn’t know what to wear, I hadn’t gone clothes shopping in… maybe almost a year. But when I attended the first night of the three nights. I was inspired. All the women were glamorous and beautiful and most importantly, blinged out! I loved it. The beautiful colors, Indian gowns of all kinds. I was just so enamored by it all! And it finally hit me, why do I care so much how big my tummy has gotten or whatever. I saw women of all shapes and sizes, looking equally beautiful fully covered or some skin showing. I was so absolutely blown away.
The wedding itself, made me realize that I just need to put in a little effort to myself. Yea, maybe I’ll never be a size 4 again, or ever be tall, or have striking features… etc. etc. Instead, I want to have a positive self image about myself. With a little creativity, I can work with my current body. Feel good about myself in what I wear. I’ve noticed people will embrace you, once you allow yourself to embrace you and all it’s “curves and edges.” Yes, I brought out a little John Legend.
So, on the third night… I decided I am going to wear something I’ve never worn before. A dress locked up in my closet till I lost more weight to be able to wear it. Instead, I put on some leggings, the tank that it came with, and put on the sheer dress. Of course, I didn’t want to just wear a bra with it, even though I know it would’ve looked fierce like that too. I decided not to wear a cardigan like I always do. Just wore it like it should without trying to cover up my imperfections. And I felt good. Yes, I felt uncomfortable because I ate so much and having trouble digesting that night (lol), but I embraced all of me.
#indianwedding my first full on Indian Muslim wedding. So fun! Only went 2 days but it was amazing! Having so much fun with @varsha83 and @vishnchips For some reason I don't have many pictures with them lol but it was a fun weekend hanging out with @brianguyen04 friends! #bandcadventures #myforeverweddingdate 🙂 #sanjosefriends meeting in #socal
Towards the end of the night. I was definitely free of feeling insecure that night. I was able to be me in my wild dancing ways without worrying about what others thought of me. I just was me that night.