Oh if you only knew, what it was like to be a dreamer. “Head in the clouds, they say. “Be realistic,” I’m told. “Let’s reel you back in,” others say as they tug me back into this world, a world that I for some reason as a dreamer can’t imagine myself to function in.
It’s a struggle being a dreamer. Why? Well, I have this imagination that I can do anything in this world. But then reality sets in and you feel the weight of reality on your shoulders. The ideas felt as they were light as a feather, that it felt so easy to grasp but when you finally set yourself to take initiative on your dreams… you find yourself struggling to make those dreams come true. Others with more will, they persevere and continue onward. I… I feel as though I just want to give up.
Giving up is so easy for me to do. Because like a fish in water, I change direction in an instant; left, right, right, left, up, down, right, diagonal. Now, I hear some of you guys who know me telling me I have so much potential and telling me that I need to persevere in doing things I set my mind to. But how can I steer onward on one thing, when as a dreamer I want to do 100 million things.
I wish I had the ability to stick to one thing. I wish I had blinders that steered me clear from all distractions. There’s a laundry list of things that I imagine me doing, whether real or unreal.
Here’s a few that I dreamed of doing and have done. Let’s see how many I actually accomplished or changed directions in. Some may be big dreams, some small; but they were all once a conjured thought.
- Chef or Pastry chef. I dreamed of going to culinary school to be a chef. I wanted to be one of those celebrity chefs like Rachael Ray or Julia Childs. This was before Top Chef came out but my mom told me being a chef wouldn’t suit me and would take a lot of hard work. Then, I decided I wasn’t capable of being a chef, so I stopped pursuing that dream. I still dream about it.
- Zoo Keeper. Yes, I have this love for animals which secretly makes me hate myself for still eating animals and animal products. Anyways, I had considered on enrolling in an exotic animal program with Moorpark College, but my mother told me I would die from rabies and to consider doing something else.
- Real Estate agent. I love looking at houses. Buying, selling, remodeling… anything revolving around a home is what I wanted. But at that time, I was distracted by a boy so I ended up dropping my real estate class before suffering with a D lol. I swept this dream under the rug but this dream creeps back every now and then when house searching happens.
- K-Pop Star. HAHAHA Yes, I considered it. I went to a similar audition like that of American Idol but a Korean one by SM entertainment circa 1995 (?) lol. I practiced a song and then my mom wanted to hear it. I sang a Korean song by H.O.T. (check out the link if you don’t know who they are lol). Anyways, my mom asked me, “do you think that should be the song you should sing?” Right before the audition, I changed the song to a song I didn’t know. I was hesitant. I became nervous. Right when they called my name, I barely sang a song. The man, who was like Simon Cowell at the time, next-ed me. “NEXT!” and my time was over. Once we were told to leave the room, I cried in my dad’s arms. Crushed my ego for many years to come.
- Actress. A lot of people don’t laugh at this for me, surprisingly. But I did get free head shots done by my brother’s friend who was an up and coming photographer at the time. Hello, does David and Tania Photography ring a bell? Well I got some photos taken of me. I had an audition where this director wanted me to smoke a cigarette. I felt that the role wasn’t me and I imagined my life playing roles that weren’t me. And I felt that my acting skills sucked and I got scared to drive to Echo Park, then thoughts ran into my head and I decided acting wasn’t for me.
Ok, the list goes on and on and on. Teacher, YouTube star, blogger or author, store owner, dermatologist, nurse, artist, travel TV star, vagabond, even being Yelp Elite lol, DIY-er, volunteer in 3rd world countries, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Now, I am in my 30’s. They say, 20’s is when you find yourself and experiment and 30’s is the time when you really figure out what you want to do or maybe I made myself to believe. But I find myself even more confused on what I want to do. The only thing I had accomplished was being a dietitian and it’s not fulfilling as I thought it would. Maybe it’s the field I entered. Maybe I need to explore a different part of the field of dietetics but for now I haven’t found it. I guess being a dietitian was easy for me because I didn’t have to put myself out there like a lot of the other dreams. Many of my other dreams were either risky, ambitious, or required a lot of effort.
After writing this all down, I sense my confidence is the biggest obstacle in my way — it’s not that I’m a dreamer. Instead of my confidence being the biggest asset — it has become my downfall. My lack of confidence has made me become afraid to take plunges or defy the many “no’s” that comes my way. “A dream is a wish your heart makes,” but it will remain a dream if you don’t try. Usually those who try and persevere are confident in their dreams and ability to succeed in transforming a dream into reality. I, as a struggling dreamer, don’t have that confidence — but I’m working on it.
Tonight on the dreaming menu…
All I can think of is the house Brian and I will be moving in together. Tonight, he and I are in my dreams. Success in other ways, shall come later in due time when it is right.